"If you base your life on what you are doing and how well you are doing it, you will fail to love others (since you will be focused on yourself)" (Sonship, p 56).
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" (1 Corinthians 13:1).
Hmmm..."a resounding gong", that little phrase has been pacing through my head over the past month. I have so much going on these days, that the words spewing from mouth can best be described as just that, resounding gongs, clanging cymbals. But who am I really kidding...I have such a long list of things that I try to do each day of my life, that I've found myself in a place of always doing and leaving little time for love.
There are so many pressures on moms these days to do more than mother, to fill our lives with so much activity. Our house needs to be in perfect order. We need to make gourmet meals. We need to look good for our husbands (and whoever else may be looking). Our kids need to be perfect and use polite speech, even if they can hardly talk. Don't get me wrong, these are wonderful things. But what is at the root of these expectations and activities? And what behaviors do these expectations cause in me when I, or my child, fail to live up to them?
And then there's being a Christian. The list of man-and-woman-made rules and behaviors here is so long, it makes me cringe just to think of naming any.
Back in 2006, after working 3 years in a war-torn, third-world country, I was burnt out. I wasn't even doing that much, but my heart was just so full of bitterness and anger. My expectations of myself were much different as a single, than they are now. But there is one thing in common - my heart, my motivations.
What motivates me? Self-righteous perfectionism. Being able to say, "yes, I did that!" Looking good. Keeping to a list of self-made duties. A good reputation. Affirmation.
The quote at the top of this blog slapped me in the face today. If Jesus were here speaking to me today, He'd have the same words to say to me that He said to the Pharisees 2000 years ago. "You are a white-washed tomb." Gosh, I really don't want to hear that, Jesus. I've tried so hard to do everything right! I can hear his gentle voice, "Yes, you have. But sin was at the heart of all those outward good deeds." And of course He would be right. Pride, self-righteousness, self-reliance, desire for praise and recognition. I've been crippled by the plague of these sins. If 1 Corinthians 13 is really true, all these nice things I've been trying to do as a mommy, in the end count for nothing.
So, what's the cure for this diseased heart? Where do I go from here?
I need to preach the gospel to myself again. I am a sinner, in need of a Savior. I have no righteousness of my own, it is Jesus' righteousness that transforms me. If I do any good, it must come from a heart motivated by love for Christ, thankfulness for His sacrifice on my behalf, realizing my need for grace and extending that love and grace to those around me.
I'm tired of being a resounding gong. I'm ready to give up my check-lists and mom-made rules. I'm ready for real living. I'm ready to have grace with my 3-year-old, because I too am in need of grace. I am ready to sacrifice my time for others because Jesus sacrificed for me. I'm ready to live in obedience to Christ's commands, instead of the world's ridiculous expectations. I am ready to love, because I've been filled with God's perfect love.
No comments:
Post a Comment