Release

For the righteous will never be moved; 

he will be remembered forever.

He is not afraid of bad news; 

his trust is firm, trusting in the LORD.

His heart is steady; he will not be afraid,

until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.

-Psalm 112

FEAR.  How many times have I found myself in the clutches of this ever looming adversary?  How many times has it kept me from obedience, from confidence, from speaking Truth?  Why do I find myself again in its torrid throws?

In the past, fear has kept me from moving forward, from doing what I know God is asking me to do.  I've often feared loss of my reputation, rejection, failure, even for my life a time or two.  But today, my fear is a bit different, and much the same.

Grant and I just came home from spending two weeks in K-town, India.  We were hosted by a team that we are looking to join for long-term service in the near future.  We spent our days living in, breathing in, and interacting with a world very unfamiliar.  I constantly asked myself, "Can I do this?"  Can I hack the heat and humidity?  Can I cope with no running water in my home?  Can I deal with the crowds, the staring men, the new language and culture?  The answer was always yes, I can do this (with the help of God, of course!).  

The last couple of days in K-town, I suddenly felt this "adversary" arise in my heart once again.  Part of it was a fear that the team might reject us.  But a larger part was fear for my innocent baby boy.  The one aspect of life in India that I have yet to reconcile is that Judah is going to suffer because of a calling God has put on Grant and I.  His suffering is inevitable.  Grant and I fully understand what we are doing and why - we are moving to a slum because we believe that God loves the people living there and that He desires to see their hearts and lives transformed.  Judah, not yet three years old, has no concept of what we are doing or why.  God has prepared Grant and I for years for this upcoming step.  Judah, in a way, is an innocent bystander, thrust into this journey by his parents.  How will he react?  How will he handle being the only white kid in his neighborhood?  How will he respond the first time he is bullied, and every time after that?  Can he live on Indian food, with few protein sources?  Will any of the schooling options work for him?  Although we got a good picture of what our life would look like, I still have no answers for these questions for Judah.  As I walked back into the USA and saw normal kids doing normal things, I began to long for Judah to just be a normal kid, to not have to deal with the difficulties that India will bring to him.  

I know in my head all the answers to these common missionary family fears.  "If God is leading you, He is leading your kids."  "There are dangers in America and every place."  "Judah could be bullied here just as much as India."  Seeing two beautiful MKs living happily in an Indian slum, brings some peace of mind.  But still my heart fears.  What it comes down to is, do I trust God with my son?  At this moment, the fear in my heart is letting me know, no, I don't trust Him.  

So, now I have two options.  I can allow these fears to hold me and my family back from God's call.  I can decide that the suffering we will endure is not worth it.  Or, I can bring these fears before God's throne and release them.  Release Judah.  Release him into the very powerful, loving, gracious hands of his Eternal Father.  I can choose to trust.  I can obey Jesus' command to "Fear not!"