A Beautiful Dying

Matthew 16:24-26, "Then Jesus told his disciples, 'If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life?  Or what shall a man give in return for his life?'"


When Grant, Judah, and I went out to the 2-week orientation course for Servants to Asia's Urban Poor, it was October and the fall colors in Vancouver were brilliant.  Being inside for seminars all day, I relished the few hours of the day when the three of us could go for a nice walk and be surrounded by trees and fresh air.  Our seminars were heavy.  And the readings I had done by Servant's missionaries were also quite heavy.  The theme I kept grappling with, that almost every speaker spoke of, was dying to self.  Each time I heard or read that theme, I would cringe.  It seems so harsh, so depressing, so cold, so useless.  Why should I die to myself?  The obvious answer is that Jesus told us to.  But, that answer just wasn't doing it for me.  I denied myself when I went to Afghanistan.  And the entire time I was there, I questioned God and myself, "is this really worth it??"  The struggle, the extreme heat, the extreme cold, the abusive language hurled from male bystanders just because I was a woman.  On a day to day basis, the observable results were just not worth it.  Thinking of denying myself and going again to live amongst the poor, and this time in an urban slum, and this time with a family, I just couldn't wrap my heart around it.


On the final day of the two weeks, each of the orientation participants were asked to make, do, talk about something beautiful that they saw throughout the two week experience.  My mind immediately went to the beautiful Fall leaves my eyes soaked in each day.  Then I thought about those leaves.  Each of them, yellow, red, brown, orange, they were all dying.  But their death was a brilliant sight to behold.  I thought about the dying that Jesus was calling me to and realized that that death is also beautiful.  What would I really be dying to?  Sin, selfishness, over-consumption, materialism, entitlement, instant gratification, laziness, constant access to TV and internet.  I mean, is that really what I want my life to be marked by??


After Fall comes Winter, and then eventually Spring.  And so it is with this dying to self.  Once I have died to sin and worldliness, there is finally room for new growth.  "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit (John 12:24)."  Wow, how I long for God to bear fruit in my life and through my life and through my "death".  There is a beauty in dying, and an even greater beauty in newness of life!


So what is Jesus asking you to die to?  What are the sins in your life that mask themselves in "entitlement", "need", or "keeping up with the Joneses?"  What can you lay down now so that new fruit can be borne in your life and through your life?