Wrestling with Love

"If you base your life on what you are doing and how well you are doing it, you will fail to love others (since you will be focused on yourself)" (Sonship, p 56).


"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" (1 Corinthians 13:1).

Hmmm..."a resounding gong", that little phrase has been pacing through my head over the past month.  I have so much going on these days, that the words spewing from mouth can best be described as just that, resounding gongs, clanging cymbals.  But who am I really kidding...I have such a long list of things that I try to do each day of my life, that I've found myself in a place of always doing and leaving little time for love.


There are so many pressures on moms these days to do more than mother, to fill our lives with so much activity.  Our house needs to be in perfect order.  We need to make gourmet meals.  We need to look good for our husbands (and whoever else may be looking).  Our kids need to be perfect and use polite speech, even if they can hardly talk.  Don't get me wrong, these are wonderful things.  But what is at the root of these expectations and activities?  And what behaviors do these expectations cause in me when I, or my child, fail to live up to them?


And then there's being a Christian.  The list of man-and-woman-made rules and behaviors here is so long, it makes me cringe just to think of naming any.  


Back in 2006, after working 3 years in a war-torn, third-world country, I was burnt out.  I wasn't even doing that much, but my heart was just so full of bitterness and anger.  My expectations of myself were much different as a single, than they are now.  But there is one thing in common - my heart, my motivations.


What motivates me?  Self-righteous perfectionism.  Being able to say, "yes, I did that!"  Looking good. Keeping to a list of self-made duties.  A good reputation.  Affirmation.


The quote at the top of this blog slapped me in the face today.  If Jesus were here speaking to me today, He'd have the same words to say to me that He said to the Pharisees 2000 years ago.  "You are a white-washed tomb."  Gosh, I really don't want to hear that, Jesus.  I've tried so hard to do everything right!  I can hear his gentle voice, "Yes, you have.  But sin was at the heart of all those outward good deeds."  And of course He would be right.  Pride, self-righteousness, self-reliance, desire for praise and recognition.  I've been crippled by the plague of these sins.  If 1 Corinthians 13 is really true, all these nice things I've been trying to do as a mommy, in the end count for nothing.


So, what's the cure for this diseased heart?  Where do I go from here?  


I need to preach the gospel to myself again.  I am a sinner, in need of a Savior.  I have no righteousness of my own, it is Jesus' righteousness that transforms me.  If I do any good, it must come from a heart motivated by love for Christ, thankfulness for His sacrifice on my behalf, realizing my need for grace and extending that love and grace to those around me.  


I'm tired of being a resounding gong.  I'm ready to give up my check-lists and mom-made rules.  I'm ready for real living.  I'm ready to have grace with my 3-year-old, because I too am in need of grace.  I am ready to sacrifice my time for others because Jesus sacrificed for me.  I'm ready to live in obedience to Christ's commands, instead of  the world's ridiculous expectations.  I am ready to love, because I've been filled with God's perfect love.

Entitlement: The Great Adversary of Sacrifice

This is basically my testimony and myself preaching to myself as I think about sacrifice and what God expects of me.

            When I was 22, I moved to Japan, as a single missionary women.  I spent 3 years there, and then another three years in Central Asia.  For the first 4 to 5 years of that time, I was young, free of debt, ambitious, had no desire to settle down, and just enjoyed the ride of serving God overseas.  Then something started happening in my heart.  I was 27, no prospects of marriage, burnt out from investing my life in others without seeing fruit, and really angry with God.  Bitterness and entitlement began welling up in my heart before I could even name them.  Here, I had “sacrificed” so much for His Name and Calling, and didn’t feel like He was giving me anything in return.

            In the midst of my whining and complaining, God brought my (not yet) husband to my city in Central Asia, and we quickly fell in love and moved back here to the great USA to get married and start our family.  Now, I didn’t go completely crazy, because we were pretty “poor” and my husband wouldn’t let me, but my heart coveted all that America had to offer – a nice house, a picket fence, Starbucks coffee every morning, trips to the mall, and fancy gadgets with unlimited access to the Internet.  Yes, we were/are the typical middle-class American family.

            Then my husband started talking crazy, talking about moving our little cozy family to the slums of Asia.  WHAT!!  You want me to sacrifice all this and live like a poor person?  No way!  I’m a middle-class American, and really happy right now!  That’s when God began doing a second (or 102^nd) conversion in my heart.   As I really searched the Scriptures and read and re-read the life and example of Jesus, the Incarnate, (and Shane Claiborne and Scott Bessenecker), I realized that I had some serious issues going on in my heart – first and foremost: ENTITLEMENT. 

            Jesus is the ultimate example of what it looks like to sacrifice, after all He did make the ultimate sacrifice – His death on the cross.  But, what I began to really understand was that from the moment of His birth, all the way through His three years of ministry, and then death – SACRIFICE characterized His every move and attitude.

            “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.  And being found in human form, he humbled himself becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Phil 2).

            Jesus was entitled to all the world has to offer – He made it after all (Col 1).  Yet, He was born into poverty, never owned a home, made a simple living as a carpenter, gave up his beauty rest to spend time communing with His Father, gave His time and full attention to the needy, lost His reputation by hanging out with the prostitutes and destitutes, was constantly mocked and criticized, was disliked more than liked, and then died in the place of a murderer. 

            Then I look to the early church – those following Christ, who had actually seen Him in action.  What was their attitude towards entitlement and sacrifice?  They sold their possessions, lands, homes, so that anyone in need could be supplied for.  They had no entitlement issues!  Amazing! 

            I get so trapped into thinking that because I serve God, do good things, and am a pretty good person, I’m entitled to good things.  The problem is, in reality there is no connection between doing and being good and good things.  The teaching of Jesus is, that when we follow Him, we will be persecuted; we will be challenged to sell all we have and give to the poor; we will no longer serve money/things/possessions, and instead we will give to whoever has need.  Last time I checked, 1 in 6 people live in poverty.   There is need out there, and I have entitlement issues!  

            I like to daydream about what it would look like if I got over my entitlement issues and really made some sacrifices.  What would it look like to have no money in my savings account because I gave it all away to the poor?  What would happen if I spent less time in bed and woke up and spent hours with Jesus each morning?  What would happen if I gave up every Saturday morning to serve the homeless here in Philly? 

I have a feeling these really small sacrifices would actually set me free.